Late 2012 was a perception shifting portal of a new paradigm couple of months for me. Aside from a calendar lining up stars and planets on the twelve hand with no next page or mall to sell the next galactically aligned stone, my couple ordeals were pretty sizable. On Dec. 6th I signed a stack of papers that usually represents failure and a few weeks later discovered I have a unique sexual orientation. The disillusionment of the marriage was unveiled years before so it was just the act of wiggling a pen that was left. But to my surprise the gigantic open door to endless possibilities looked vast and full of second chances. Love, new ideas, travel, and cultivating old and new friendships filled my new 360º peripheral vision and it still does. Long story short in the a.m. of Dec 16th I got a call from a dear friend that thought it was best she didn’t drive. As she laid there on my sofa smiling, glowing, and looking at the ceiling I went to my room with my computer to find a Netflix movie. Stumbling upon a documentary called Asexual, I quickly pondered my differences of the seemingly average sexual person. I thought to myself this might just be a dull enough flick to put me asleep. To my surprise I stayed up and not only completed the movie, I got a second wind and went on an internet research exploration. There I found a definition to my dissimilarity but not a conundrum as I started to suspect. I immediately found peace in knowing I am not alone in my way of desired intimacy. To summarize what I found, imagine a downward pointing triangle paralleled people’s sexuality and looked a little like a breast-plate or a shield. On the bottom corner you have your asexuals and the top horizontal line would densely pack in the hetero-sexuals, bi-sexuals, and homo-sexuals, I would land close to the heart. Here is a Wikipedia sample of what I found and resonate with.
Demisexuality is the lack of sexual attraction outside of strong emotional connection. It is distinct from, but related to, asexuality, the complete lack of sexual attraction. It is part of the Gray-A area of asexuality which distinguish people who only experience sexual feelings in certain circumstances to many asexuals who don’t feel them under any circumstances. The term comes from the orientation being “halfway between” sexual and asexual, however this does not imply that demisexuals have a ‘half formed’ sexuality. Demisexuals do not experience casual sexual attraction to others; however, when emotionally connected to someone they may experience attraction and desire for that individual. This entails that a demisexual person won’t find another person objectively sexually attractive, but as their emotional connection grows so will their sexual attraction.
In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to (usually in love with but sometimes feel strongly as friends) someone else, the demisexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners. This does not mean that any strong emotional bond will lead to sexual attraction, it is still possible for a demisexual person to only find people of a particular gender attractive, regardless of how strong their emotional bond.
Relationships between two asexuals are common due their lack of sexual attraction to each other, they both can have a romantic relationship without one partner feeling their needs unfulfilled. There are many demisexuals who identify as asexual due to them not having experienced a close relationship in which they felt a sexual attraction, and thus many relationships between asexuals and demisexuals can have difficulties. This is due to the demisexual partner’s increasing sexual attraction, therefore possibly leaving themselves feeling sexually unfulfilled in the relationship.
It is possible for many demisexuals to be labelled, or label themselves, as asexual. This is simply due to them not having experienced either casual sexual desire, or a deep emotional bond leading to sexual desire. And with many asexuals forming purely romantic relationships this can lead to many demisexuals becoming confused with their identity as their sexual desire for their partner grows.
It is important to note that demisexuals have the capacity to experience sexual desire which separates them from most asexuals. However they will not experience sexual desire in the way that many ternary sexual (homo-, hetero-, bi-) people do. – Wikipedia
“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.” – Helen Heller
For weeks and months now I wake up and feel so much gratitude to have found my new-found sexuality that has been here all along. 🙂 I have even phoned close friends and family and sent links to share my new discovery. This recent found understanding has made it so much easier to cultivate deep profoundly close relationships without the sexual tension. But with all this said I still long to find my Soul-ular level spiritual match for a close, loving, physical union that can transcend and translate to so much more than a casual encounter.
“We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over.”
― Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451
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